 The Greatest Video Game Heroes Of All Time
The Greatest Video Game Heroes Of All Time -per Maxim.com
Systems and games come and go, but a hero is forever. We salute the 12 most valiant warriors in the pixelverse.
1) Kratos (God Of War; PS2)
This bald, angry, tattooed bastard kicked all kinds of ass in his first two games. Short list: He busted the Hydra´s jaw, tore the head clean off Medusa, shoved his leather sandle up Ares´ ass, and even gave Zeus himself an atomic wedgie. And once the dust settled, he got into his old, wooden ship and then enjoyed a three-way with two hussies from a nearby port. Now that´s a god we can pray to!
2) Master Chief (Halo series; Xbox, Xbox 360)
The tough talking, always-helmeted bad-ass from the Halo series is the ultimate one-man army. When all is lost, the M.C. grabs a battle rifle and his tiny holograph woman, and dives cock-first into the fray. If you spot a Covenant Elite wearing his own ass as a hat, then you know the Master Chief was here.
3) Pac-Man (Pac-Man series; all systems)
Two months of washing down Popeye´s chicken with forties of Cool Colt every night and we can´t fit into our Bugle Boys. But Pac-Man? He eats all he wants—pieces of fruit...white dots...blue dots...ghosts...the occasional key—and never gains an ounce. Doesn´t take a software engineer to figure out what the white dots are.
4) Jimmy Hopkins (Bully; PS2)
With his slingshot and stink bombs, and his gift for locating bits of busted radio for the homeless vet who lives behind his school, Jimmy Hopkins is entirely unlike any hero we´ve ever met before. Well, except for the sweater vest. That´s standard issue.
5) Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil 4; PS2, Wii)
Look past the Flock Of Seagulls haircut and leather jacket—we know it´s not easy, but try—and you´ll find a man who can not only dole out zombie beatings like nobody´s business, but can also flirt with the slutty Ada Wong and the wholesome president´s daughter in the same game.
6) Nathan Hale (Resistance: Fall Of Man; PS3)
More human than the Master Chief, and with a nancy-boy name that no doubt got him picked on in junior high school, Nathan can still kick ass with the best of them. Put a pair of Reapers in his hands, and he literally starts building mountains of Chimeran corpses that you´d need to hire a sherpa to climb.
7) Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem series; various systems)
Forget the mute marines of Doom. Duke was the first true first-person shooter character. Sure, his "come get some" line got old around the 5,898th time, but the fact that his games usually feature shootouts with aliens in strip clubs and porn shops earns him a spot on this list alone.
8) Gordon Freeman (Half-Life series; various systems)
Glasses. Crowbar. Studious facial expression. Yes, Gordon somehow manages to have a name even lamer than "Nathan," yet he can pick off scurrying face-huggers and battle giant, floating no-eyed babies like it´s nobody´s business. Mr. Freeman, we salute you. And your crowbar.
9) Sonic (Sonic The Hedgehog series; various systems)
With his sneakers, spiked hair, and "attitude," Sonic was the anti-Mario, and anti-Nintendo in his day. But ever since Sega stopped making hardware (rest in peace, Dreamcast), Sonic´s been virtually homeless, floating from system to system, and starring in one bad game after another. But go back and relive his original so-speedy-you-can-barely-control him adventure, and you´ll see why Sonic can never bring shame on his house.
10) Dirk The Daring (Dragon´s Lair; various systems)
We adore Dirk. Not because his original quarter-eating adventure drew us to arcades back in 1983 like R. Kelly to school yards, but because he got to spend all those nights alone inside that arcade machine with the supremely sexy Princess Daphne. In our perverted minds, we imagine Dirk making all the right choices at all the right times with her.
11) Mario (Super Mario series; various Nintendo systems)
What list would be complete without Nintendo´s own mafioso? Sure, he pretends to be working class, with his coveralls and cap, but we´ve always imagined Mario as the Tony Soprano of the Mushroom Kingdom. You want black-market stars and raccoon tails? Go see Mario.
12) Pitfall Harry (Pitfall series; various systems)
Harry´s body was only made up of about .05 of a polygon, and we weren´t sure why those rolling logs always hurt him, since they were nearly transparent, but Harry had no weapons. None. Unlike today´s candy-assed heroes. All he had was his ability to jump and make electronic-sounding Tarzan calls. You want to see what a true-blue video game hero looks like? Look at a picture of Harry. And feel free to stare. Harry doesn´t mind.
__________________ ''Life's tough........it's even tougher if you're stupid.'' -John Wayne
"The main difference between the wise man and a fool is that a fool's mistakes never teach him anything." -Unknown
"With age comes the realization of mortality" -Tom Woods
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