Funniest Jokes as Voted by Comedians - part 2

[mikeworth]

Sorry - i didn't want to have too many jokes on a post so have split this in two - this is the second part...

"Okay, so it's impossible to objectively choose the funniest jokes ever. Although there was a scientific study on the topic, which produced these jokes as the funniest jokes in the world. The list below was compiled with imput from several comedians, and first appeared in GQ magazine. These were selected as the funniest jokes in the world, the best jokes of all time, by these comedians."

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).

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China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)

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If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)

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A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. "There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five." "Fifty five?" says Saint Peter. "No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two." "How’s you get that?" the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: "We added up your time sheets."

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Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)

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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

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My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)

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I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

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Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That's a good thing. He's getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)

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After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles." (Ronnie Shakes)

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Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

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A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."

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I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

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A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)

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Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $100 I owe you," he says.

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A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

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At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said "Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you." He replied: "You lose."

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A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But we need the eggs."

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A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."

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I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)

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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you"