The summer of 2009 avoid list

[Shaft]

1.IMAGINE THAT

Starring: Eddie Murphy, Bobb’e J. Thompson, Thomas Haden Church

Synopsis: “A financial executive (Murphy) who can’t stop his career downspiral is invited into his daughter’s imaginary world, where solutions to his problems await.”

Why you should probably avoid it: It’s an Eddie Murphy family comedy. Do I really need to say anything more? Besides, the previews look just dreadful.

2. THE PROPOSAL

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Mary Steenburgen

Synopsis: “A pushy boss forces her young assistant to marry her in order to keep her Visa status in the U.S. and avoid deportation to Canada.”

Why you should probably avoid it: It just flat out looks terrible. I like Ryan Reynolds very much, I like Bullock, but I just can’t see how this one doesn’t end up as a Razzie nominee.

3. GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST
Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Jennifer Garner, Michael Douglas

Synopsis: “A bachelor is haunted by the ghosts of his past girlfriends at his younger brother’s wedding.”

Why you should probably avoid it: Everyone knows that I think Matthew McConaughey is a very underrated actor… when he’s not doing crap like this that is. Did you read the synopsis? Have you seen the trailer? Is there anyone on the planet that has any hope at all that this will end up being more than a 2/10?

4. G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans

Synopsis: “An elite military unit comprised of special operatives known as G.I. Joe, operating out of The Pit, takes on an evil organization led by a notorious arms dealer.”

Why you should probably avoid it: Aside from Transformers 2, there is no other movie that I SHOULD be more excited about, but just about everything we’ve seen from G.I. Joe has been one apparent bad decision after another. From the character selection, to the choice of director to the cast (aside from Dennis Quaid who just rules), nothing has been done right with this movie. Is there a chance it could pull it off? Sure, there’s a chance… but I wouldn’t bet my ticket money on it.

5. LAND OF THE LOST
Starring: Will Ferrell, Danny McBride, Anna Friel

Synopsis: “On his latest expedition, Dr. Rick Marshall (Ferrell) is sucked into a space-time vortex alongside his research assistant (Friel) and a redneck survivalist (McBride). In this alternate universe, the trio make friends with a primate named Chaka (Taccone), their only ally in a world full of dinosaurs and other fantastic creatures. Can they all make it back to our world alive, and if so: Will Dr. Marshall can go from zero to hero with his discoveries?”

Why you should probably avoid it: I was thrilled to see how great Step Brothers was, because quite frankly I had grown tired of Will Ferrell. Sadly… Land of the Lost looks like a giant step backwards. Not once did I grin during the trailers, nor what does anything about the film look even remotely promising. Definitely one to avoid this summer.

6. DANCE FLICK
Starring: Who freaking cares?

Synopsis: “Street dancer Thomas Uncles is from the wrong side of the tracks, but his bond with the beautiful Megan White might help the duo realize their dreams as the enter in the mother of all dance battles.”

Why you should probably avoid it: As a member of the human race I’m offended these stupid modern spoof movies exist. They all suck and the fact that some people go to see them probably make alien races observing our planet think we’re a species deserving of being wiped out.

7. NEXT DAY AIR
Starring: Donald Faison, Mike Epps, Wood Harris

Synopsis: “Two inept criminals are mistakenly delivered a package of cocaine and think they’ve hit the jackpot, triggering a series of events that changes ten people’s lives forever.”

Why you should probably avoid it: I’m a big Donald Faison fan and have been waiting for him to get a significant break on the big screen, but not in a project like this one. I see nothing remotely redeemable about this project and plan to avoid it like a country music fan from an education.

8. THEY CAME FROM UPSTAIRS
Starring: Ashley Tisdale, Robert Hoffman, Andy Richter

Synopsis: “When Tom, Jake, and friends discover that the Aliens mind control guns do not work on kids, it is up to them to save their parents and the rest of the world from the invasion all before bed time.”

Why you should probably avoid it: Many of these kid centric movies hold a lot of potential to be cute and surprisingly good. I just don’t think this is one of them… at all.

9. BANDSLAM
Starring: Gaelan Connell, Alyson Michalka, Vanessa Hudgens

Synopsis: “A new kid in town assembles a fledgling rock band — together, they achieve their dreams and compete against the best in the biggest event of the year, a battle of the bands.”

Why you should probably avoid it: I’m imagining a horse thats been poked with sticks all day… then I imagine standing behind that horse and having its huge powerful leg buck back and kicking me in the crotch… and I still prefer that vision than the idea of watching this movie.

10. GOOSE ON THE LOOSE
Starring: Chevy Chase, Kari Matchett, James Purefoy

Synopsis: “A grieving young boy (Morrow) looks to protect his new best friend, a talking goose, from his school principal (Chase), who’s fattening up the bird for a Christmas cook-off.”

Why you should probably avoid it: Aside from the fact that it looks stupid as hell… this movie was finshed over 3 years ago. That’s right… it’s been sitting on a shelf for three years. Wow… the studio must have a lot of confidence in this one.

11. H2: HALLOWEEN 2
Starring: Malcolm McDowell, Scout Taylor-Compton, Tyler Mane

Synopsis: “Following the aftermath of Michael Myers’ murderous rampage through the eyes of the sister he hunted.”

Why you should probably avoid it: The first Rob Zombie Halloween film (which he made only 3 years after saying it was pathetic for directors to make remakes) was just not very good and there is no reason to expect that this one will be any different.

12. FINAL DESTINATION: DEATH TRIP 3D
Starring: Krista Allen, Nick Zano, Mykelti Williamson

Synopsis: “Nick and some friends head to the racetrack for the weekend to watch a car race. , when the terrifying accident flys into the audience at 180 mph. People will splatter and be ripped apart, one girl gets her head knocked off by a flying tire, massive explosions, and eventually the entire stadium collapses onto the rest of the audience. Then main character “Nick” discovers it was just a vision that’s about to happen, and he gets himself and about 12 other people ejected from the stadium. But Death returns to finish off the survivors, with the freak accidents being more brutal than ever.”

Why you should probably avoid it: This is the exact same movie we’ve seen multiple times already from this poor horror franchise. No evidence to suggest the trend will change.